Before is Now

One of the things recommended by WW at the beginning of your journey is to take some "Before" photos and measurements. I whipped out the camera phone this morning to do this, and I plan to take others along the way, hopefully giving me inspiration as the weeks and months progress. (See the Photos Tab at the top of the page for updates.)

2011-10-21 240 lbs. Holy @&#%!!

Seeing this picture was a real eye-opener for me. This is what you, the public - and my family and friends and aquaintances and strangers...- are accustomed to seeing.

Round Me.

In my head, I seem smaller.

Which is why it always feel so strange when I realize I can't scratch a part of my back that I want to or have trouble getting down to and up from the floor. What is going on? Why can't I do this?

This picture is the answer: I'm pretty fat.

Don't worry, I still love myself. I'm not evil. I don't deserve to be treated like a second class citizen. My size and shape are a personal problem. Nobody torchered me into over-eating or tied me to the couch to prevent me from exercising.

Personally, I can tell you: I am fat. This is not the example I want to set for my children and this is not the way I want to be for myself. I am making a change.

Today was C25K 1.3, and it honestly felt pretty good. I think I am mostly ready to move on, but I want to repeat Week 1 next week in order to give my bones and knees and feet a little more time to adapt. My shins and calf fronts are pretty sore!

Fatigue is setting in now. My youngest (11 months) is cutting five teeth and has been waking me in the middle of the night. I need to go to bed now just in case he wakes later. That and I am drop-dead tired. (Anyone else remember Drop Dead Fred? :-)

May my faith heal and grow while I rest!

Spring:Cleaning::Autumn:?

Spring and Autumn, for me, are both seasons of change and preparation. As the cool wind now blows, I am more inspired to clean up and clean out. I want my body and my environment to be somewhere I want to be for the next months of cold and isolation.

This song has really inspired me lately. I know the association is oblique, but roll with it.

It's a song about hanging on to things that belong to another time. Somehow singing it makes me ready to say goodbye to the unhealthy parts of me that I have clung to.

Tomorrow I go back to the Y. Nico (3yo) has a swim lesson, and, I WILL be there early so that Cyril can be in the nursery and Nico can be on time. Then I can dash upstairs and get in my "run."
My first full day at WW is going well. It is a relief for now to just track and follow the plan. But I refuse to think about food all day long. Time for a little bedtime yoga and prayer. God be with us!

WW Beginnings

I did it. I joined Weight Watchers. God help me.

Pete and Re-Pete

Sometimes when you are the mother of young children it takes everything you have to get just one thing accomplished. After starting the C25K on Sunday, while at my mother-in-law's, who was awesome enough to hang with my kids while I went outside for my first session, my next day should have been Tuesday. Back at home, just me and kids. So when Nico (3yr) woke up at 4 am with a fever all of my Tuesday plans shifted. No pre-k, no grocery shopping, no gym in the morning. I knew that on Wednesday I had to do whatever it took to get my session in or risk losing momentum, because I am just starting out and I am not sure that I have enough momentum yet to handle too many setbacks.

So the boyz didn't get up until NINE-FORTY! Then my mp3 player wouldn't load so that I could add the week-one podcast. But I finally got it on the phone. We made it to the Y. I did my next session. Today's mission accomplished.

It felt good.

Physically, it did not feel great. I am WAY overweight, and my body needs to be lighter before it won't feel like carrying around a ton of pointy bricks. But I did it. And in time not only do I plan to get lighter, but my bones and muscles will be stronger. But my lungs felt good, and my heart felt good, and the rest will come in time.

Motivationally, the podcast is the key. When I timed myself on Sunday, I was convinced that I could not do quite as much as was asked. I lengthened the recovery session from 1 1/2 to 2 minutes. Today, with Robert Ullrey's C25K Podcasts, I did it along with the script and nice running music. Plus ESPN to watch on the TV while I ran. Delight! The pre-recorded timings keep you trying, encouraging you to succeed.

Mentally, another perk became clear to me while I was jogging/walking (j/w). Lately I have several conflicting cravings. Craving to get more done around the house, more research and reading, more stitching, sewing & crafting, more time with adults making and keeping friendships, and more time to just think. Often I think I view the time at the gym as social time, but I leave feeling empty in this regard, because even though I am Zumba-ing with other people, it's not like you are really chatting it up with your fellow exercisers. I love Zumba, but the exercise time itself is still not truly social, at least not deeply. J/W time, however, is intensely personal. The music washes over you, and, whatever else you may be hearing or watching, your thoughts have a chance to bubble to the surface. I think this mindset might also be able to improve my Zumba experience.

I still don't know when I will be ready to move on to Week 2, but at least I did 1.1 for realz, and on Friday I will do 1.2. Run and Re-run, until I am ready to take on the next level.

Now I just have to decide what to do about my eating habits!

C25K Week One

Running.

I am quite certain I never thought of myself as a runner. But from today on, I will. I am not in shape, I am a shape - round. And I might need to repeat the first weeks in order to not hurt myself. But I need goals. I need something that is cheap and available at different times of the day. Something I can do without getting in the car. I need to get fit. Get fit or risk getting so overweight that there will be no return!

I have friends who run and they love it. I have heard plenty about the C25K program and I am going to do it. This means "Couch to 5K" - about three miles in 30 minutes at the end of 9 weeks.

I might not make it in nine weeks. I did my first session today, and alternating 1 min jogging to 1 1/2 walking was a bit much, so I lengthened the walking to two minutes. I am plenty sore tonight, so I think I will continue with that this week and decide at the start of next week whether I should move straight to week 2 or do a redo on week with the correct time. That's the great thing about the C25K program - it's flexible. The MOST important part is the committment. 3X a week. Keep on going. Be the fit mama I long to be.

Next run on Tuesday! Tomorrow will be House Fitness - laundry, floor sweeping and mopping, raking. Plenty of time for listening to Latinum, the Latin learning podcast!

Every Night Counts

Healthy inspiration straight from Sesame Street: The Count gets excited about EVERY number. ONE, ONE night without night snacking. Bwa ah ah ah! [cue lightening & thunger]. For tonight, one is enough!

Most of the time lately I eat at night in order to induce a relaxed stupor after getting the kids to bed. I look at my body and feel trapped within it, within this fat suit.

But I must OWN it. This fat suit is me.

But it is a me that I can change.

I saw a billboard today that said Obesity is a disease, not a choice.

That is a very simplistic and not authentic way of addressing the problem. It may be a condition, but it is also the result of choices. Even if I have a condition that makes it more difficult for me to make healthier choices, it is still not impossible. I am up for the challenge. I must be. I want to be healthier. I want to be able to truly model a healthier life for my children and be sexier for my husband. Oh, and I don't want to die of a heart attack. It happens.

So one night without eating away my worries and frustrations.

"O Holy One, please draw near. Your people thirst for you, like the dry land. Let your peace come down, come down like rain, let your Spirit wash over us and wash us clean.
Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world. Grant us peace."
- Javier Mendoza

Lord, help me to heal from the sin of gluttony. Help me to make healthier choices. Help me to love myself and my body now and evermore. Amen.

One Step Back

I hate it when I step on the scale and it is up. Especially after a re-commit. I feel better, though, today, and need to keep going.

The hard part is getting real exercise with two small children. Since my husband is currently over-the-road trucking, it's just me and the boyz day in and day out. Going for a walk with them in the stroller is okay, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. Going to the Y where they can play in the child watch area and I can focus on exercise is better, and refreshing for body and soul, but it means fitting it in and getting out of the house. Le sigh. These are obstacles, which can be overcome, and I must not let them become excuses.

Especially since I have discovered that my wedding band is actually to tight to wear all the time and is making the tendons in my finger sore. Yikes.

+ Find the strength to release yourself from gluttony. Love your body, love yourself, honor the gift of life and living that you have been given. You are a Child of God. Feed and Care for the Child of God, not the fear and lonliness and doubt. When you stop feeding the fear, it will lose its hold on you, once and for all.+

Starting Again, Again...

Losing weight and being healthier always begins somewhere, and it always requires at least a subtle shift in mindset. The "Starting Again" mindset is the most important attitude to develope, because few people succeed at monumental tasks without setbacks! Having just defended my dissertation, I might even say that this is an understatement.

So, TODAY, I choose to eat healthily and get at least thirty minutes of exercise/activity. I can do that. I know what I need to do to be healthier and lose weight. I also know I don't want to pay anyone to be my friend through the process. The friends I have, they have eyes. They can see my roundness. They are happy to support me in my efforts to be healthier. I need to own my efforts. I am not ashamed of who I am, nor am I ashamed in my desire to make changes to my lifestyle.

Now I think I need to choose a saint or two to be the patron saint of my efforts. There are a few choices, and I need to gather information, collect and write some prayers, maybe a Novena. This weightloss, excersie, and healthiness effort can also be a fun way to improve my prayer life!

May the prayers I pray today be magnified by my healthier choices, shedding earthly desire and rising with the incense into the heavens.

Are you who you want to be?

The truth is, I'm not really ready to lose weight.

But the truth also is, I'm not  ready to stay this heavy and risk getting heavier. I want to move more, do more. So my goals this week are to exercise 30 minutes everyday (and track it- see tab) and journal about my food choices. I would also like to focus on drinking water and making some healthier food choices, especially in the quantity department. I intend to track my weight loss (see the tab) but I am not setting any specific weight loss goals at this point or implementing any special or specific diet.

I have reduced the size of my morning cereal, with no ill effects. I went back to measuring with a measuring cup: 1 cup Grape Nut Flakes and 1 cup milk. I used 2% because I was out of Skim, but that has been rectified. I did have more pizza at lunch than I should have - I think I just wanted to get it out of the house! I did have a salad with dinner. And snack was hot chocolate made with skim dry milk, cocoa and a little sugar. Chocolate fix fixed!

Here is the song that has been an inspiration for many life changes. It played in the car while I was thinking of how I might be healthier and what I could realistically commit to. -



From "This is Your Life" by Switchfoot

yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes

this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose

****
I hope in one sense that I will always answer no, I am not perfected. But in the sense that I believe the song means, I am trying to make my life a YES. To be the person I want to be, the mother, scholar, wife, healer, lover, servant that I am, to be on the road to Emmaeus. My heart is burning within me.