Choose One Thing

Stuck.

A blank page staring at you.

On silver-lining days, that blank page is a clean slate, which sounds glorious and refreshing. On stuck days, it is abysmal.

"You are standing on the edge of a chasm," says the old Adventure game narrator.

The chasm says, "I want to be done, but I can't even begin. The tasks are too many. I feel fat. I am tired. I cannot get any rest. I'll never finish. I am doomed."

Some will tell you that those thoughts and feelings are irrational. Cheer up, don't worry! 

I like to be more practical. Those are your feelings. That might be your reasonable assessment. Maybe you ARE doomed. Maybe you will be fat forever! Maybe you will never finish the book. Either way, you aren't happy about it right now, so you might as well just Choose One Thing. 

This is my ultimate method for getting unstuck. For today it doesn't matter how far you will go, and what goal you will reach. Just get unstuck, so your wheels will work again, so your energy can flow, so you can make a decision again after a bit. Just Choose One Thing.

And there is really only one rule--it has to be doable with the energy you have Right Now. So on the fattiest day of your existence, don't choose to run 10 miles if you can't even run. And don't choose to give up night eating when you haven't managed to say no for weeks. And don't choose to finish that chapter today. Choose something you can do, something that helps but that you feel you can do. Can you make a list about the chapter every day? 20 minutes of writing? Take a stroll for 20 minutes? No? How about 5?

Choose One Thing.  And be at peace, for the Spirit of God is upon you!

The Kitchen is Closed

But the Bar is Open!

I am an adult and can have food anytime I want. I am not hungry. I do not need or want dessert this evening. I will have some hot tea after I take a shower and I can enjoy my tea while knitting and watching a an episode or two of my current Netflix show, Murdoch Mysteries.

There are about 28 weeks before my birthday. Can I imagine being under 200 lbs for my birthday? This is what I have to decide each day. How fit and active do I want to be as I head into the future? In the meantime, however, I must live for today. Be happy and kind today. Listen to the call of God in my life today. Blessings upon all who struggle to feel worthy of love because of their body.

FJ 2016-6-30 Thursday

WI 240.5
(No weigh in for a few days after this. Just live my life, one healthy day at a time!)

Activities

Out fishing this morning.

1 hour walk with dog and boys after dinner.

Breakfast
Cheerios and Milk, 5 pts

Lunch
Bowl of Chicken and dumplings, Strawberry and fruit juice Popsicle

Water to Drink

Day Snacks

5 Saltines

Dinner
1 large tomato, 1 serving penne pasta, 5 cheesesticks, crushed tomato marinara

Water to drink

Night Snacks
I will make Hot Tea after my shower.

FJ 2016-6-29 Wednesday

WI 244

Breakfast
Cheerios and Milk, 5 pts

Lunch
2 slices bread, deli meat, pickles and tomato

Dinner
2 waffles, butter, 1 slice bacon

Snacks
White cheddar cheezits before dinner

Fitness
15 minute dog walk
Fishing at Riverside park

Food Journal

I want to track my eating habits, but all of the apps have you input foods, and search, and choose the serving size and count calories, and offset all of that with fitness. But the fact is, my body, and the bodies of many overweight people, completely ignores the simple math of calories in, calories out. Metabolism is tricky, and my mood, the moon, and solar flares seem to have control over the calorie counts than I do. I want to change that.

The most successful tracking that I ever did was back when I first tried Weight Watchers, and we had these little paper trackers. You write down your meals. Either then or later you go back and figure out points, and it was easy.

Here is the modified points system that I will use if I am tracking points:

1 point for every 50 calories, + 1 point per 12 g of fat (I don't do the fiber subtraction)
I balance the calories and the fat and round up if it's fair. No gaming the system.

I am starting off with 31 points and will lose a point every tens threshold until I reach 21 points.

There are 35 extra points to use per week.

BUT keeping points is not the most important part, and I can guess or not bother for now as long as I get in the habit of keeping the food journal - daily meals and any notes.

And here are the other guidelines I will use:

+ Five Servings of Fruits or Vegetables
+ Three Cups Milk
+ Two servings of protein
+ Two teaspoons of oil
+ Six cups of water
+ NO WEIGHING EVERY DAY!!

For Fitness, I will focus on daily activity of 30 minutes.

My first goal is establish the habit of daily journaling for health and wellness and better goal and mood management and daily meal tracking so that I can be honest with myself about what and when I am eating.

A Cuppa a Day

Tea.
Black Teas, Herbal Teas. Heck, even coffee.
A cuppa a Day keeps...
me from gnawing my own arm off.

In the great battle against nighttime gluttony, hot tea is proving to be one of the finest weapons. So I thought I should make a list of possible go-to activities for when the going gets tough.

Tea

Shower

Prayer

Journaling

Write a Story
Knitting 

Crochet
Meditation

Painting

Coloring

Drawing

Prayer

Latin Study

Karate

Writing

Play Instrument

Sing

Minecraft

Bed

Walking

Zumba

Read the news

Call a friend

Play with kids

Get together with friends

Cooking

Happy Naked Time

Cleaning

Pet Care

Write Letters

Craft

Time for PJs

I need a name.
It's not a diet.
Dr. Phil, Beck, Weight Watchers, American Diabetic Association, Food Pyramid.gov, My Fitness Pal, Spark People...It's a long list of dieting advice that I have tried, sometimes achieving intermittent success, and set aside.

All of these methods have one thing in common for me: I cannot trick myself into pretending that it is natural, good, desirable, or helpful to count and plan calories for any longer than a couple of weeks as a baseline. This causes me to think, THINK, constantly THINK THINK THINK about food all day, every minute and moment of the day.

Noise, Noise, Noise, Noise, Noise!!
(from How the Grinch Stole Christmas, animated version)

It turns me into the Grinch, hating food, avoiding it, disliking myself, resenting the process. Deep down I feel that food is a beautiful and inspiring gift of God, meant to be (respectfully) loved and enjoyed and shared, and I just cannot bring myself to treat it as the enemy for very long. I do freely admit that these are my own hang-ups, not necessarily caused by the advice givers of various diets and programs. And if those programs work, are working, or have worked for you, and you are able to be happy -- truly content and satisfied -- then awesome! But for me, these food focused programs do not stick.  In the past I was so focused on a need for steady progress that I was at the point where losing a pound was like being done. Oh I made progress! That's great! I have succeeded! And....I'm done.

Indeed the reason why I am following this higgledy-piggledy health plan approach is because I have found that, for me, the other things out there simply do not work.

 Do you know what works for me? Deciding to change my outlook and then focusing on one or two things at a time, shifting in an evolutionary spiral, until I have slowly transformed my habits, my mental, attitude, and my life focus. When I work on the joy, on what I think and how I feel, on how I want to think and feel, on what I can do and what I want to be able to do, the weight pretty much melts away.

I have had two times in my life where this happened. But wait, you might say, what happened. If it worked so well, why are you in the pickle you are in now?

Well, I discovered these two times in my life and named them as lifestyle reform and weight loss periods through careful reflection. At the time, they were just periods in my life where I was extremely unhappy, and I worked through it using some tried and true techniques of re-focusing, activities, meditation, and prayer.

I have finally come to a place in my heart that I am ready. I am ready to change. I am not on a diet, I am changing. I am not sure that it will be a "plan" that other people could follow. And, I am just at the beginning of my journey, with many miles left to go, and no clear must-meet goal to signal to others when it's over.

IT WILL NEVER BE OVER.

So perhaps I will name it the "Peace and Joys Forever" plan. PJs Forever! LOVE IT! Let's get our Jammies on -- Jam to the music while you get things done.

So let's Make our Peace and Share our Joys by being the best we can be, following the will of God in our lives.

Peace and Joys, y'all.

I Don't Know If I Can Do It

I don't. I don't know what I can do. I cannot begin a diet with a proclamation of where I will finish.

While working on my PhD, at some point in my research I was weary and despaired of ever finishing. I had to decide, do I stop here, or FINISH? There could be no middle ground.

But my problem now is not a task that I can do and be done with. I am trying to shift my mindset. Treating my weight like a goal to simply accomplish is not working for me.

But neither is giving up.

Being extremely obese is not working for me.

The goals of the diet books are not motivating enough, so I am finding out what will. I like many of the ideas of the Beck Diet Solution, but daily tracking and menu planning does, not fit into my lifestyle or skill set for any longer than a few weeks. It might be the best way, but I need to find another.

So for now I am going to focus on becoming a Karateka, earning my black belt in Karate. I need my body to be lighter for this, but I also need further mind-body-spirit development.

I combine this with my desire to better fulfill the will of God in my life.

I need to keep working on cleaning the house and my life. 

I will dig out my weightloss and depression meditation CDs from Belleruth Naperstek. 

So I do not know what my weight will be when I am satisfied, but I will not give up on my goal to be healthy, fit, and strong. I will not say I am fat anymore. I will say I am strong and active.

Challenge one: conquer nighttime gluttony.

I am strong and active. I am doing this!

Just this for today.

I'm tired, I'm worn, but my sink is shiny. And I am tired and going to bed. Tuesday always makes me feel a little overwhelmed, with co-op in the mornings, Latin lesson in the afternoon, and straight into and Karate in the evening.

O God, help me to rest....

Year of Mercy 1

The beginnings of our Crèche and Jesse Tree (doors are made from tree branches), our Advent Wreath.

Today is the first Sunday of Advent, the first day in a new church year. Then on December 8, we will begin the Year of Mercy, a Jubilee year, a year for forgiving debts and righting wrongs. My task is my self as a homemaker and the cleanliness and order of my house. I will be using Flylady to help me reform (form anew!). It did not get this way in a day, and will likely take the whole year to get things going. Tomorrow I will start the baby steps. Today, I cleaned up in my closet, putting away clean clothes. I will wash laundry tomorrow. May my house become a place of blessing for others.

Magistra, May I?

There is a new master in the house: meet Magistra, the in-charge part of my self who is tasked with caring for me whilst providing structure and discipline and training.

I am my children's mother. I know this seems obvious, but that statement requires constant commitment. I am the mother. If they are poorly-rested, over-fed, sluggards, much of the responsibility for their state of being falls squarely on my shoulders at their age. And by the habits and environment that DH and I create and maintain, some portion of their future states is my doing as well.

But for myself, the time of looking to the past and to my own upbringing is well and truly over. I've been in charge of myself for long enough that it's mine and mine alone to accept responsibility for the state of my health, mental, emotional, and physical.

Magistra, may I stay up later?

Minime, discipula! Fessa es! (No way, you are tired!!')

If You Know Better...

If you know better, then do better. 

I can do better.

My youngest child is about to turn five. And my goal of being trim and active before before my children are old enough for my weight to overly influence their own body image and their concept of me...is gone. I treat Me horribly. Today at lunch, Me wanted to eat a bunch of candy after her sandwhich. So I let her. 

But this evening I realized that I do strive to attend to my children's diet and exercise, yet I do not care for myself. Why not? 

Why am I punishing myself?

Making Time, Taking Time

faciō, facēre, fēcī, factus
to do or to make (construct, fashion, frame, build, erect, produce, compose)

"I have to make time for dieting and exercise."  Beck, Introduction

There aren't any more minutes in my day today than yesterday. I know that I cannot create time. But it is important to make time for the things in our lives that are important. I am working on changing my habits, thoughts, and attitudes towards my body and environment.

And that is going to take time.
It will not happen in an hour, a day, or a week. Or even many weeks it will be a process. I need to commit to this process, to the long haul, and not be discouraged.

I will have to make time.
Time in my day will have to be devoted to doing these new habits. But in addition, there will be some extra time needed in these first weeks to learning and practicing these new habits. And, just as important, I will have to take time and practice for unlearning the bad habits.

It is also humbling to think that I do not know how to lose weight. I don't know how to be a normal weight. If I ever was as an adult, it never was for very long. I will have to LEARN how to do this. Even after all this time, I do not yet have confidence in my abilities. BUT today is a new day. I can learn this language of health and wellness. I can be dedicated student of self stewardship. I will learn how to take care of myself and my body and my household.

Flylady, Babystep 1: Shine Your Sink

Today I am doing a double reboot. I find that my eating habits and mental state tend to be reflected in my environment. So if I am going to clean up my eating habits, it is a good time to clean up my cleaning habits, too. I like the Flylady system, and I find her Babysteps program to be just right for getting on board.

I have shined my sink before, but doing a reboot to get into the groove will be helpful. So after lunch I am going to go the whole nine yards, clean with bleach, scrub it down. By the time school starts in August I will hopefully have made a lot of progress to keeping a well running household.

Advantages Response Card

1. I'll be more attractive and enjoy sexual intimacy more.

2. I'll enjoy activity more: hiking, biking, swimming, running.

3. I'll wear a small size and more stylish clothes.

4. I'll be a better steward of the life God has given me.

5. I'll be taken more seriously professionally.

6. I'll be a better role model for my children, family, and community.

7. I will have succeeded--no shame, no failure.

I will read my cards: in the morning before breakfast and in the evening before dinner. I will set a reminder on my phone. 

Dessert Desert

I did it. For the first time in a few weeks, I managed to stick to my plan for no dessert for tonight. I don't think dessert after the boys go to bed is bad, per se, but it tends to weaken my willpower for the next day, even when dessert was planned, within points, etc. Perhaps I need to move it to right after lunch.

Tomorrow begins a reboot on Beck's Diet Soliution. 

I'm back in the saddle, y'all. :-)

Life Line

Just finished week 2 day 1 of #C25K with @c25kfree! #everymomentcounts #run #running #health #fitness

I am starting to feel like a mini-runner. Emphasis on mini. :-) I thought for sure that the first day of the new week would kill me. I was nervous.

Now for the first week, I did Sa Mo We. And I did a ton of house cleaning and furniture moving and whatnot last week. I hit a manic stride, didn't get quite enough rest, and wore myself out. (Plum wore out.) The weekend was busy, so I decided to do Mo We Fri this week for C25K week 2. DH was home so I went by myself to the Y Monday after school time for the boys. I was so tired. I got to the Y, sat in the parking lot. I just could not bring myself to go in.

And you know what, it's okay. I wasn't quitting, I just took the time I needed. There is no deadline for healthy--except for the obvious one, and you cannot plan for DEAD. For healthy there is only a Life Line. There is only progress.

There I sat out in the car and made appointments, returned emails and messages. I got a few things checked off of my to-do list. And I returned home refreshed. I'll take it!

So, on the Wednesday, I had double booked a play date on Wednesday morning, and when I realized it, I called my friend and rescheduled. I Wanted to get to the gym today. I needed to. I went to my upbeat, joyous morning Zumba class and then scooted over to the treadmill.

It went great. I even added a point to my walking and running speeds. It was 3.0 & 4.2, with 5.0 on the last run.  Today I bumped it up to 3.1 and 4.3 with 5.0 on the last. Which nearly killed me. But I forced myself to smile the whole last 90 seconds of running while chanting endings to plural pronouns in Latin. I'm doing this. I'm FLYing, I'm running, I am being the change.

Hold on to your Life Line with all that you are, y'all. God meets us where we are.

This Little Light of Mine

Just finished week 1 day 3 of #C25K with @c25kfree! #everymomentcounts #run #running #health #fitness

Not long ago I would not have thought that I could say I feel good after anything involving running. Mostly because if I was running it would have meant someone or something was chasing me and I had chose flight over fight. 

But now I'm choosing fight AND flight. I am fighting back against sabotaging thoughts and bushel basket habits. Hide myself and my love and my light under a bushel? NO! I'm gonna let me shine!

And I'm taking flight, FLYing with the Fly Lady, making my house a home. O Lord prepare me to be your sanctuary.

My Lord and my God, help conform my desire to the plans you have for me. Amen. 

Fight and Flight, y'all!

Rock me, Amadeus!

Just finished week 1 day 2 of #C25K with @c25kfree! #everymomentcounts #run #running #health #fitness

And at the end I even "ran" for the last minute at 5 mph. Credit x 10!

Flee as a Bird, FLY Baby

It's official: I'm a FLY Baby.

What?

FLY stands for Finally Loving Yourself, and this is a program to get your life and your home in order so that you can be rescued from CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome).
So: I use Weight Watchers (WW) for my healthy eating and exercise program. And with some other WW people on the message boards, we are reading/learning the Beck Diet Solution. One of her (Dr. Beck) principles is that whenever ever you resist temptations, you strengthen your resistance muscle. On another day, Beck talks about using the "Oh Well" technique. When you encounter something that you just don't want to do with your diet, one way to combat the sabotaging thoughts is to say, "Oh well, I can't do that" and then move on. I think of it as a very kind, but firm way to talk to the inner monster [what some would call the inner child, but I like to reserve the inner child as a positive image, the child of God that we all are].

Beck suggests that this is the same thing we say to ourselves when we automatically do other daily tasks like teeth brushing, getting dressed, and *sirens* keeping our house clean. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh she's funny, that one. I looked around my house. Clutter. More dirt than I care to admit. My Oh Well muscle is shot all to hell.

I mentioned this on the boards, that I needed to work on the housework as a way of strengthening my weight loss program. And of course, while it may not be linked as direct cause and effect, it is still true that when I am in a neat environment, my eating and exercise habits are better. So another person suggested that I try out Fly Lady and here I am. Fly Lady gets you into her program by easing you into her system over 31 days, and then slowly, over time, reinforcing the cleaning, organizing, and lifestyle skills until you have shifted your habits to include basic household cleanliness as a way of being. This is a gift that I want to give to myself and to my family. And her program reminds me a lot of Beck. One day at a time. New habits and skills and fun challenges. Did I mention it's free? Free!

And all of this FLYing has reminded me of one of the best hymns ever written.

Fly, for temptation is near thee. This tune resonates in my heart.

Flee as a Bird

Flee as a bird to your mountain,
Thou who art weary of sin;
Go to the clear-flowing fountain,
Where you may wash and be clean;
Fly, for temptation is near thee,
Call, and the Savior will hear thee;
He on His bosom will bear thee,
O thou who art weary of sin,
O thou who art weary of sin.

He will protect thee forever,
Wipe ev'ry falling tear;
He will forsake thee O never,
Sheltered so tenderly there!
Haste then, the hours are flying,
Spend not the moments in sighing,
Cease from your sorrow and crying,
The Savior will wipe ev'ry tear,
The Savior will wipe ev'ry tear.

He is the bountiful Giver,
Now unto Him draw near,
Peace then shall flow as a river,
Thou shalt be saved from thy fear.
Hark! 'tis thy Savior calling,
Haste, for the twilight is falling,
Flee, for the night is appalling,
And thou shalt be saved from thy fear,
And thou shalt be saved from thy fear.

Come then to Jesus thy Saviour,
He will redeem thee from sin;
Bless with the sense of his favor,
Make thee all glorious within.
Call, for the Saviour is near thee,
Waiting, in mercy to hear thee,
And by his presence to cheer thee,
Oh, thou who art weary of sin.
Oh, thou who art weary of sin.

Oh, 'twill be joy when I see Him!
See Him and hear Him say, come!
Oh, 'twill be joy when I hear Him
Saying, my child, welcome home!
Now thou are free from thy sorrow,
There thou shalt ne'er trouble borrow,
Night never comes nor tomorrow,
With Jesus forever to dwell,
With Jesus forever to dwell.

--Author: Mary Dana Shindler, 1840. Tune: FLEE AS A BIRD
[Most of the hymnals only had two verses, but some had three, and there are different combinations, though always at least the first stanza. For more on this hymn, go to: Hymnary.org ]

I think that this journey I am on to get my "house" in order is something God is calling me to--a clean home and a healthy "caboose." Oh, 'twill be joy when I hear Him saying, "my child, welcome home!"

The sink is shiny clean, y'all.

One foot in front of the other

Just finished week 1 day 1 of #C25K with @c25kfree! #everymomentcounts #run #running #health #fitness

Wherever you go, there you are.

On the Feast of Saint Joseph, it is time for some Before photos. I decided there was no need to be frightened of doing this since this is what everyone around me sees all the time. I have moved on from feeling ashamed of my weight. I love myself, and I am taking care of myself.